My mind is in the right place but you don’t know
You can’t knock off my "Hustle and Flow"
You can’t knock off and steal my show
Cause I have only begun and everyone knows
Let me take you back to my first time
The first time I read between the lines
Back in 2004
Where I step into that poetry door
Back to the time where I first confronted my fate
And just got rid of the jealously and hate
It was poetry my future soul mate
Wait freeze
I need to freeze and seize the moment that I have hoped for
Being listened to yeah that’s what I longed for
Through the many depth of my heart that what I mourn for
And finally complete my destiny that’s why I came along for
I staggered my way up just to reach a dead end
It was a wall with backstabbers, pretenders and wanna-be friends
But I didn’t stop
Knowing my style was beyond I didn’t stop
I continued clawing my way to the top
I hoped one day I’d get the chance
For someone to see my first poetry stance
They said I had no flow
I had stupid silly similes and metaphors
If only to see me now just to see their face
I’ll know they’ll be surprised but I’ll be amazed
They say I’m not a poet, it’s never meant to be
It’s obscene but they didn’t seem to see
My style was beyond will carry me along until my day will come
For me to be number one
I need to soak up this moment because this is for real
No body knows how happy I feel
This moment
My chance to rise I still have a long way to go but
Looking at your wondering eyes
I see someone finally listens
Finally see my poetry
When I weave the stories that everyone believes
My life changed and it set my mind at ease
Finally someone that listens
Someone that can hear me when I recite
Despite I struggle with all my might
Some one listens
So everyone needs to listen because
I come here to yell and berate
The truth is I’m here to create
Create opportunities for those who never had one
Never had fun
Hopefully your style of beyond will help you so
And lead you to the paradise that you wanted to go
I was excited at first, but the more i read, the more i got bored. it wasn't wack, but not your best poem. Ryan, my god, i really want you to say what you have to say but doesn't seem to come out right when you literally say it. you got the actual poem part done, how about the voice?
ReplyDeleteRyan, this poem is good but i got a little less interested at the middle of your poem. it got better towards the end but i didn't feel the same emotions as at the beginning. the good about your poem is that it had a lot of creative similies and metaphors and u stuck to the topic.some of the lines i could picture in my mind very well.
ReplyDeleteRyan this is not one of your many great poems it needs just a little more pencil grease. It seemed as if you were trying to force your poem to rhyme as much as possible.
ReplyDeletecatch ya later
Well, I guess I'm a bit late with my own comments for you, but I just thiught I'd mention that it's sort of about time the others got "real" with their comments. Mauricio, Dalisbeth, and Wayne all spoke from the heart, and maybe that's more of what we all need to hear in order to make our writing that much better. Thanks for getting real guys...
ReplyDeleteAnd Ryan, like they said, keep at it, but never hesitate to post what you want; feedback is what we're hear for.
Mr. Craig