Mar 15, 2012
All you need:
I told myself I wouldn't write anymore.
I thought that if I stopped writing I'd be able to put everything behind me.
Guess I've become an expert at subconsciously lying.
I just can't seem to figure out where the hell I went wrong.
There used to be a time when things seemed to be getting better,
seemed a little brighter.
That was a couple months ago when I made another "best attempt" at forgetting It.
And..it seemed to work.
Things looked especially better when I thought life had given me another lemon since
I messed up the first batch.
Life gave me a lime and tricked me instead.
The realization had been more clearer than before.
Amidst the snow about a week ago,
I don't know how it happened to me, but the memory was brought alive again, and with every breeze brushing against my face...
I felt that night permeate through my very being, swallowing me with familiarity;
But then..and now, I wish It never had.
I felt engulfed by fear and possessed by anger - my enemies who had been let out of Pandora's Box yet again and the ones I've tried so hard to suppress for several years.
Here it was, this new chance, giving me everything it had to offer! I couldn't help but feel like an insult wrapped around its insufficient embrace.
I was pathetic. I couldn't even tell it the truth.
Instead, I avoided its unknowing gaze.
As soon as those eyes miraculously unglued themselves from me, I boarded the train.
The sudden encounter with my old acquaintance disconcerted me.
I couldn't believe how well I retraced the steps back to It.
Ever since then, I've been allowing my mind to formulate an illusion with the foundation from my deepest desire for It.
So as much as I wanted to write, as much as I wanted to resist defeat..
I would not, could not, bring my pen to trace the words that would suggest my vulnerability.
The words that would suggest that I still knew the sound of a stammer or two.
That I still wish for a closeness to It that used to raise my temperature to a degree I never knew before and I can't seem to find another that's able to do the same.
I remember those feelings.
The ones that overcame me with an instant worry followed by an involuntary tear that fell onto the same concrete ground It did.
At that moment, I fell. I fell out of the state of denial.
I didn't want to believe that a feeling like this could take hold so soon.
February 23, 2010
I can't sleep tonight.
This is one of those nights when I lay in bed trying to sort it all out.
That is until I think about it for so long that I end up falling asleep in mid thought.
And each night had been the same - without any progress.
I'm up at 4:45 in the morning jotting down the secret
I hoped I'd say, but figured it was best not to or was too much of a coward to say.
And all because my senses have betrayed me.
My sense of sight has been constantly forming the figure I wish to see.
My sense of hearing vies to listen to the name I know to be uttered by only one person.
My sense of touch wants a reminder of how well I used to feel by your side.
My sense of taste desires to savor the lips I know can melt mine.
But now all I can think about is the opportunity to at least see him again.
Sometimes I wish I could be as strong as everybody says I am, but the truth
Dec 28, 2011
Rubberball I can press and release perhaps,
Ball of clay I can push, poke, and press,
Squeeze, stretch, strap
Like playdoh to my hand, and then unlatch back onto the kitchen table.
Ready to be mashed and built and separated and put together again,
Ready to be played, on, in, with.
I see the world,
as a reflection of what is inside,
merely a reflection echoing visually
What I do not see Inside...
Balance echoing chaos.
Jun 9, 2010
"If that makes me UNCOMPROMISING, then I wear it as a badge of honor cuz I'm in DAMN GOOD COMPANY! Martin Luther King was uncompromising, Nelson Mandela was uncompromising, and I'm sure your MOTHER was uncompromising, although the evidence of that is not apparent today."
Apr 15, 2010
Jan 25, 2010
Dec 21, 2009
Somehow this happen
This status quo that I thought would never work
Two forces combined in the realm of music
Guess it’s intuitive the way we got glue in it
Its foolish to say I knew this was going to happen
Because I never thought a spark would ignite,
I didn’t think we were the “match”
Sulfur scraps on mind palates please tell me these synapses were right
I guess they were
As smiles were brought about
And although my tongue only kissed poetry I felt she would understand
Because your beauty could only be express with her
Even through breathless words
Up to this day I cannot fathom being in a relationship
Because to be honest
I never wanted one
Who knew it would lead to perfection?
I guess someone has got something planned
And if I knew in advance
This would have happened a long time ago I wouldn’t have needed to ask
But now excitement of emotions causes blood rushes
And we can’t control our own bodies
And the feelings expressed
You can only land on clouds afterwards
Its called bliss
As lips walk the grounds of orgasm
While your feet still kiss
We are on a higher level now, no not sex
I understand you deal
Without understanding a bit
And why didn’t you call me flow
But didn’t complain for shit
Its like perfection
And if wounds were inflicted from the future backlashes
I know you would still bandage our bond
And we will still be by your fireside sharing stories
During a night that I call perfection…
Nov 1, 2009
mama when was the last time i told you i loved you
6 months ago
it was 6 months ago when friendly fire aided you to your death
lost to a straight slouching built
that cared less what life it took
mama did you know that 11,127 people are lost to straight bullets
each year in the U.S.
and the little shoes that hang on phone lines was
your message, and mama i will never let go
a soul connected only by umbilical cords
and the locket you left was tied on
i will never let go
grand ma told me to always pray for rain
to come and wash hell off this earth
so that i can hear your footsteps on my window seal
and hear you sing lullaby hymns to the sun to scratch at the horizon
remember those lectures that you taught me to be strong
i know, this hurts me more than it hurts you
but after you can be that toy shoulder for mommy
my son, can stand up high for himself
this pain maybe hurting now
but, i love you, and i just want you to understand
my baby, i understand
the whelps are their to let you know what is real love
and the scars are i the remembrance, that mommy loves you
my son, i understand
she told me to look into the mirror
and i saw saw something that God forgot that he had created
because if he had created me
Adam would have a belly button
and eve would have not bitten that far into the apple
because apples only fall for the bastards that don't know God
and i am the last words God had written into revaluation
and he baptize me
1 for the father 2 for the son 3 for the holy ghost
and i became apostle Paul
writing words that never been said
crif craft creations of my own
because i am Houdini breaking you down into the stars that never took the time to shine
because the government told me mama is gone forever
and she will never come back
and i said that was a lie
because she lives forever in my body
i am the reflection of my mothers love
and nobody can tell me that
love does not exist
Aug 29, 2009
So I stand firm in the belief
That u are a descendant of the clouds
With the sky imprinted on your back
I wish you would laugh more often
or At me
It really doesn’t matter
Either way ur giggles leave me breathless
Women who scares me to a silent quiver of knees and shallow breathing
I just recently found the memory of the best reason to smile
on your shirt
U wear the same perfume as my friend
who slipped through the fingers of forever
To soon .
I know it sounds wrong
But smelling like suicide
Is a compliment here
Women with skin that sounds like the violent snaps of rubber bands
U are a recovering butcher
Or at least I feel it’s safe to assume so
You are stained blood red beautiful
With a soul like a night sky
The stars are clawing to your gut
A Broken Column for a backbone
ur spine is a painting the world is too familiar with
you are godly like fears trapped in a poet
and sometimes I wonder if u could see me past the mic
would u recite me?
dear cloud women,
I’d be your poem
and take honor in being left
on the stage.
Aug 8, 2009
That reeks of putrid milk spilled over a smooth piece of cloth
That is the American Flag,
No longer Red, White, and Blue,
But Red, White, and
Unable to emit the scent
Of its pure dye,
Black and Brown Ugly blots, naked to the eye.
Inner circle is circumscribed by WARNING SIGNS,
Big Job, Big House, Big Dog, Big Family,
Stale ingredients coalescing into the bland boiling pot of utopia,
That shall sugarcoat one,
But artificial saccharides hide the underlying lie,
This cannot possibly be the American Dream.
“America I’ve given you all and now I’m nothing”,
Allow me to unzip this layer,
Here are my quirks, odd-shaped nuts and bolts,
Here is me,
And your media-mediated circle of life, America
I’ve given you all
And now I’m nothing,
But another needle in this smoldering haystack of Dicks
(Based on 1950s American and quotes Beat poet "Allen Ginsberg")(Howl is a LONG COMPLicated son of a gun)
Apr 13, 2009
I said Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani
Loi, loi, Eloi
Known as My God My God I said My God My God why hast thou forsaken me
God, My God
Sent down his only begotten son into the world for us
Eloi place him into a woman named Virgin Mary
Now out of the foxy mama’s that lived in beltlham he chose her
And they named him yah-shua
Which means Jesus
So this mean this newborn baby came into this world to die
He had purpose to serve like us
But purpose his was special he came into the world for us to be saved
He came to take on the sins of this world
This man was the perfect sacrifice
He had no faults and no sin but he was perfect
So when he gave up his life “It is finished”
There was no need more for blood sacrifice because this man bared it all
I don’t think you hear me
These people pull out the hairs from the bottom of his face
They spit on him because they thought that he was blasphemy to the highest Loi
They beat this man in the head with a rod and then press a crown of thorns on his head those thorns press through his skull and touched the nerve of his brain
These people showed neither mercy nor pity for this man’s life
They mocked him of his powers and what can do and the miracles he preformed
And when he tried to show them love but they relinquished him
These people was so Immorality that they beat this man beyond recognition
I’m talking about they scourged this man 39 times on his back
Until the point his flesh tore open and the blood flowed though his back
This mans sweat was his blood that dripped from his face
He told me that he was wound for our transgressions and bruised for our iniquities and chastisement of our peace was upon him an
But I say No he was wounded for not just our transgressions and he was bruised not just for our iniquities and he was chastised not just for our peace of mind
This man carries that cross of a million dying sins riding on his back
And they stretch his wings out wide as far as they can go and pierced to that cross
They twisted his legs until they pierced his feet to the bottom of the cross
And while he was on that cross those words he screamed out corrupted my insides out because those words that were spoken was
Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?
And as he was nailed there the words that were uttered “I thirst”
But instead of water it was vinegar but he turn it away because that vinegar stood the sin of the world and it was to much so then he said “it is finished”
So those last 7 words that rings from the ceiling down to my ear drums
“Father into thy hands I commend my spirit”
Then “it is finished”
Mar 26, 2009
They are silent
because the silence is the only thing that will keep them alive as soldiers salute to flags between their thighs
200,000 women are rape in the Congo everyday .
When the sun cum’s
The clouds will climax and they are born
lil rays of strength .
Apollo slept with the Congo
and birth too many wounds between her bladder and womb
that the truth of a femicide resided in the steps it took for her to keep her family hydrated
Water wells hold their fate
With rifles aimed up their skirts
Leaving gun powder to linger in their
Even their screams are silent
And she’s not worried about how many men walk out on her
but how many men
Cum in and out of her
These women have been pushed to a place passed hope
Where even prayers are mumbled in a tongue God can’t understand
And tears forget how to form in eyes here
So they just sit in
♪Hush lil baby don’t say a word♪