Mar 15, 2012

No Other Way

February 15, 2010

I told myself I wouldn't write anymore.
I thought that if I stopped writing I'd be able to put everything behind me.
Guess I've become an expert at subconsciously lying.
I just can't seem to figure out where the hell I went wrong.

There used to be a time when things seemed to be getting better,
seemed a little brighter.
That was a couple months ago when I made another "best attempt" at forgetting It. seemed to work.
Things looked especially better when I thought life had given me another lemon since
I messed up the first batch.
Life gave me a lime and tricked me instead.

The realization had been more clearer than before.

Amidst the snow about a week ago,
I don't know how it happened to me, but the memory was brought alive again, and with every breeze brushing against my face...
I felt that night permeate through my very being, swallowing me with familiarity;
But then..and now, I wish It never had.
I felt engulfed by fear and possessed by anger - my enemies who had been let out of Pandora's Box yet again and the ones I've tried so hard to suppress for several years.

Here it was, this new chance, giving me everything it had to offer! I couldn't help but feel like an insult wrapped around its insufficient embrace.
I was pathetic. I couldn't even tell it the truth.
Instead, I avoided its unknowing gaze.
As soon as those eyes miraculously unglued themselves from me, I boarded the train.
The sudden encounter with my old acquaintance disconcerted me.
I couldn't believe how well I retraced the steps back to It.

Ever since then, I've been allowing my mind to formulate an illusion with the foundation from my deepest desire for It.
So as much as I wanted to write, as much as I wanted to resist defeat..
I would not, could not, bring my pen to trace the words that would suggest my vulnerability.
The words that would suggest that I still knew the sound of a stammer or two.
That I still wish for a closeness to It that used to raise my temperature to a degree I never knew before and I can't seem to find another that's able to do the same.

I remember those feelings.
The ones that overcame me with an instant worry followed by an involuntary tear that fell onto the same concrete ground It did.
At that moment, I fell. I fell out of the state of denial.
I didn't want to believe that a feeling like this could take hold so soon.

February 23, 2010

I can't sleep tonight.
This is one of those nights when I lay in bed trying to sort it all out.
That is until I think about it for so long that I end up falling asleep in mid thought.
And each night had been the same - without any progress.
I'm up at 4:45 in the morning jotting down the secret
I hoped I'd say, but figured it was best not to or was too much of a coward to say.
And all because my senses have betrayed me.

My sense of sight has been constantly forming the figure I wish to see.
My sense of hearing vies to listen to the name I know to be uttered by only one person.
My sense of touch wants a reminder of how well I used to feel by your side.
My sense of taste desires to savor the lips I know can melt mine.

But now all I can think about is the opportunity to at least see him again.
Sometimes I wish I could be as strong as everybody says I am, but the truth
is ------

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