to the man that i'm forced to call dad

Family rejected and wife neglected children pardoned But not loved willingly, by me Mind sate of “every ones out to get me.” When really you got every one first But now your tricks have reached the surface of recognition So your stuck in a position unfamiliar to u So now your words make no sense And your irrational lies fly over my brothers heads . And u use there naive youth to get pleaser of their shaded tears and that’s 1 of the many reasons I hate u At age 8 I was so stuck on u my every thing I idealized u or who I believed u were. U brought her home and feed this teen a unforgivable sin Twice. And I opened the door for her An unfamiliar face rung my bell asking for u . And when I saw her I couldn’t help but say in my mind I want to grow up to be the refection of her beauty. But then u told me to close the door and I said good bye . U got on the phone and your fingers only dialed three numbers and u spoke in Spanish to hide a secret from me and the rest of my family . But little did u know I understood your tongue and I constantly told my self the words realest form your mouth weren’t true. But when mommy took me jive and geo, Lying to myself became harder to do . Discus was written all over my mothers face as she took us to a place I would never want to visit. And when she told me the truth I pretended to be hurt physically because emotionally I was not strong enough to Handel it. And I cried And cried my self to sleep Woke up the next morning and no longer could I tell myself it wasn’t true And when mommy told me u knew I knew U came to me and asked if I forgave u . and I did not look into your eyes and I lied . And every night since then became a chance for me to blame this unfortunate chain of events on some one other than u . And that became me . Lost as I was then I still am now and every time I look in the mirror I see u . stuck heating my last name I tell myself that this image in my reflection isn’t me and now I don’t even know if I’m lying to myself And I’m to ashamed to ask for help because I want to be strong enough for me. so I started to cut and bleed the pain away , but that only brought the U out of me even more because u always ran to the bar just like I ran to that knife. And life now leaves me waiting for that day when Death knocks on my door because then and only then will I able to rest in peace .